Diary of a wimpy mom

I learned out something about myself.

I'm a wimp.
Seeing it in print it isn't so bad right?

Who am I kidding, yes it is!

Being at this new stage of life, an empty nester, I have realized that my kids have provided an excellent shield or excuse for me, if you will.

While they were younger and in my constant care I instructed them that if they were ever in a situation they shouldn't be in or they just needed to kindly remove themselves and save face at the same time to just blame their over protective, stealth bomber, ( I graduated from "helicopter mom" long ago) mom.
" Oh, my mom would find out for sure, she is a detective in her spare time so sadly I must decline your offer."
Not sure if they ever used this tactic but I provided the language in an effort to support them.

However, not realizing I was also feeding a fear monster in me at the same time, it now wakes me in the night. Teasing and taunting me that my equally good excuse for not wanting to get into a situation I can't control is famished with hunger. Here starts a pang of anxiety.

My children have, blissfully unaware, provided a great opportunity allowing me to avoid something I felt unequipped to do. Something I feared or needed an "out" for. "Thank you for offering me the PTA president position but right now I must decline, my kids, they really need ALL my time." "I'd be honored to speak at your ladies function but really, this is not the right season for me." "Of course I'd fly to some exotic location with you to linger poolside but there are these kids, homework, sports..." On and on and on.

Gulp, did I really just type that?

Yep, I did.

Not to misrepresent myself however, I do love to go and do and be in exciting and fun places.

Just on my terms. In my control. In my timing.

When asked to step too far out of my comfort zone, I get this wave of  excitement and appear to myself and those around me to feel at peace that I too can venture where no mom, or this mom anyway, has ever gone.

More anxiety pangs.

Only to realize that when that moment draws close, wellllll, I turn back into a wimp. Willingly retreating back to my safe zone. Where I don't feel vulnerable and exposed. Feeding that fear monster with every indulgent ounce of courage I once possessed.

Back then, my excuses really were not as much excuses as they were just parenting. I was where I felt I needed to be and back then, it was. Now however, my shield is gone.

Over the years I have turned down many travel opportunities with my husband to far off places he travels for business. Needing to stay home for the kids or the pets or the house or...I'm running out of things that need me to stay home for now.

I'm learning to release the death grip I have had on fear. Saying yes to more opportunities and trust that my creator will provide the shield of protection as only he can. Allowing me to tremble with excitement instead of fear, freeing me from my silly attempts of control and finding the freedom in that.

Fear.

Control. 

Expectations. 

I know for certain I am not alone in this battle.
I'm finding myself starting to come to grips with this new season and trying to learn to release my control, create realistic expectations and fear not. 

That's biblical. 

Fear not. It's repeated several hundred times. 

Sounds to me like this wimpy mom must better get busy packing.
So what was that price for extra baggage?