Without scary, you don't get to be brave

It was a Thursday afternoon in 2012. The sun wrapping it's long rays that stretched like arms around my bare shoulders. Holding me snug, whispering to my soul. 

Being startled out of my sun bathing bliss by the explanation of the expedition we were about to embark on.  I remember hearing something about the strength and safety of the little thread of a rope that I was about to be tethered to as I would be flung across a canyon....8 times. That the "brakes" and by brakes I mean an apparatus that slows, not stops were very important to know how to operate accurately. How we were to run and jump off the miles high platform that should belong in a circus. If we didn't run and jump off the platform we wouldn't make it all the way across the canyon below. We then would be dangling a million miles above the earth as the guide shimmied across the line to then retrieve you. All this happening while the rest of the expedition watched and waited and waited and.....

Watching each person ahead of us bravely trust the bouncy, long zip line as they, without hesitation, just ran and dove into the air! 
What was I thinking...how do I get out of this...they said it would be fun. This life threatening, treacherous adventure that we paid hundreds of dollars for, was supposed to be fun. I threw up a little in my mouth just watching what was soon going to be the death of me. 

Trying to quietly find a way to embrace my fear and let the sun melt me into Flat Stanley so I could just slip out of sight and back to the comfort of that beautiful resort we left, but no sooner was I navigating in my mind a quick exit, my harness was jerked to the edge of the platform by the guide. Truth be told, I cried, I peed my pants a little and before I knew it I was thrown off the platform into thin air. 

Ok, spoiler alert. 
I didn't die. 
Not once. 
No. 
I died about a thousand times! 

But, then it started to be fun. Just like they said. By the end of the adventure I was going upside down, dangling like a fall leaf just waiting for a gust of wind to blow me to the ground. 

Many times since that terrifying day I have felt those same feelings looking at the complexities of life. Wanting so bad to be brave and fling myself into life, fulling trusting without fear that the harness apparatus will hold me up. Even against those big storms that are so eager to blow me to the ground, I try to fear not. Not to just act brave but to be brave. To have faith and trust, fulling knowing who to draw my strength from. 

What I've learned is to step off the platform with faith first, then enjoy the adventure. Hang upside down; life has a completely different view that way. A perfect view of the heavens. 

I just used the "F" word!

What, you didn't think I'm that kind of girl did you?

I have said it before ya know, just only to those close enough to hear. 

I've said it with great passion and depth. 

Whispering it full of shame and sadness.
With tears washing my face clean and feeling a great release at the same time. 

Have you said the "F" word? 

Did it give you great power and freedom or guilt and remorse? 

Forgiveness. 

My "F" word.

Forgiveness. 

Granted or received, forgiveness is such a powerful word.
Sweet friend, get to know the "F" word. Get comfortable with using it daily. Grant it willingly and seek it often. 

Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself. 
Remembering back several years ago how I would burn with anger from deep wounds inflicted from a friend. Smoldering in the ashes of flippant words carelessly tossed about. Trying to laugh away the pain as salt was sprinkled in the gaping laceration. 

Not having the proper tools to address how to approach such hurtful behavior, I just let it simmer, on the back burner. Until one day, a few years later I realized, I was harboring hurt feelings that she had long forgotten about and moved on. Not owning her behavior but also not letting it get in her way either. 

A light bulb of life lessons was burning brighter than ever before. I was the one keeping kindling on the smoldering fire. Waiting for the much needed and desired apology...that never came.  
She was likely not consumed with what I was thinking, feeling or needing, so why was I allowing it to have such power over me?

The "F" word. 

I did it. I forgave her. Even without her asking for it. 
It freed me, not her. 

I have to admit, it did feel good to say "F" this and "F" that...forgiveness that is. 

Freedom 

Forgiveness

Living an exhausting life in constant communication with an inexhaustible God. 

Where is the "good" in good-bye?

In honor or all the back to school families, I give you my sweet boy. 
The one who made our nest empty, who flew the coop and took up residence in another state!
Still hard. Still bitter/sweet. Still, so right.

This was one year ago almost to the day....

Here I sit on the eve of taking our last child to that much anticipated, school of higher education...college. I have been blinking back tears for some time now, but now, no matter how fast I blink, the tears are flooding my eyes and rolling down my face. I can no longer deny this day away.

How am I here again already?
Having done this twice before, I know what to expect. I know how to do this.
I am all in. I cried tears of joy and sadness the last two times I have done this.
And yet, I still ache. 

Just 24 hours until we pull away from our driveway and make the long drive North and here I am questioning if I taught him all he needs to know. He left childhood behind and entered manhood all too quickly. That seems to happen to the last child faster, watching and learning from those who went before him. 
Can he stand shoulder to shoulder with other men? 
Will he remember all the values we tried to instill? 
Who will remind him to actually turn in his homework he worked so hard to complete? 
What if he doesn't call me every night? Well, not every night....perhaps once a week?...once a month?....who am I kidding! Every night! At least for the first week or two...or three. 
Ok, I'll take what I get. 

Packed and loaded up with everything a young collegiate could ever need. 
He graduated from wanting the little fundraiser mini fridge that every kid wanted to earn from magazine sales to the real, ice cold mini fridge to hold left over pizza and soda. 
Wait, leftovers?....yeah, strike that last sentence. 
There is never left over pizza!
Nothing says college life like a mini fridge! 

 And, we're off! 

 My favorite way to ride, the sun warming my legs and blue skies ahead.

 Look fast if you want to see the day go by. 
And, then just like that, it is time for our family kissy face photo right before we leave. 

Good-bye...not too fond of that greeting right about now. The only good bye that I like is a good buy. Much different. Where is the "good" in good-bye? Perhaps we should start our own new phrase like bad-bye or mediocre-bye or french fry...hey, it rhymed and, who doesn't love french fries anyway!

Good-bye? OK. He is super good after all. 

Tears commence at this point. Thanksgiving is only 60 days away!

Same song, second verse...a little bit faster and a little bit worse

Here is our little middle as she was embarking on her collegiate years. Seems like it was just yesterday! 


 Hummingbirds are fascinating little creatures. They flit about, humming their tiny wings at an exhausting speed. We have several that frequent our yard that we love to watch, silently as to not startle them away. I'm certain that we had a family of them living in the Clematis that has overtaken our pergola, though we've never found a nest.

The hummingbird though that is my favorite one to hear is not a bird of the air, it is however a precious life that resides just down the hall from me. This hummingbird of sorts makes the most precious sounds far beyond the sounds hummingbirds make.

In the quiet of the night, right before we would allow ourselves to fall into the blissful quiet of sleep, we would listen for a quiet, sweet sound from down the hall.  A very soft melody, hummed just under her breath. Unrecognizable to most and so faint it could be easily ignored. This sound signified that all was well in our world.

Unaware of her self soothing methods used to put herself to sleep, we would lie in bed and listen.... many years we relished in the serene, soft melody that would float down the hall. Much like a wisp of smoke whisked away by the wind. We sometimes would miss this sound in the loud clamor of life, begging for our attention if we didn't focus on hearing it.

Our little middle has grown and her door is now closed at night,  however, I miss hearing the soothing sound to signify that we can close out another day. Another reminder that life is short...kids become adults quickly. So many little treasures are hidden in our children, just waiting to be discovered. Gifts that lie unopened perhaps because when we finally hit our pillow at night we have other things we are focused on. Are the doors locked?... The dog in?...Homework by the front door?...and on and on it goes.

Embracing the next big step in life, she departed for her new home, on a college campus. I dreamed that her new roommate she was about to meet would also enjoy this hummingbird as much as we have. I prayed that they together would focus on hearing the important things in life. To filter out the clamor that wants to steal our attention, and focus on what God has for them to discover in this new adventure.

 Same song, second verse...
 No college drop off is complete without our family kissy face photo!

I traded my daughter for two mugs

With school starting and having so many friends sending kids off to college, I decided to revisit old blog posts of each of our kids first college experience.

There's nothing quite like leaving your first child at college. It's strangely reminiscent of leaving them at kindergarten. We found ourselves saying, we are too young to have a college student...we felt like we should be moving in, not moving our child in!  Every parent will attest to the speed at which life goes while raising their children, it's true. 

The days are long but the years are short!

"Remember how in kindergarten you were the last mommy in the classroom saying goodbye, well you are now the last parents on campus"!

The next clue that we had outstayed our welcome was upon meeting one of her roommates. She met our entire family and quickly assessed the situation asking, is this your first child to go to college? Gee, what gave us away, I responded, a little sheepishly, knowing I am going to get a very wise response from this 18 year old...well, you are ALL here moving her in, taking pictures and well, you are all STILL here....not sure if I should dialogue with her why her parents were not here documenting her next big step in life when she quickly added, my parents handed me a plane ticket and said fly across the ocean! Come to find out, her parents are wonderful people, not uninterested in her life at all but missionaries to a wonderful community of people in Thailand, living right in the middle of Gods will!

Starting out on our very first road trip ever, we were piled down with everything a young collegiate could ever dream of needing. I have never been into the idea of packing the kids and heading out in the SUV for days, keeping them happy while strapped into a harness. Don't get me wrong, my most favorite thing is vacations, just the kind that begin with soaring 30 thousand feet above the ground, so this road trip thing was a new experience for all 5 of us!

 Redbox was the newest thing out so my very creative and wise husband had the clever idea to find every Redbox along I-5. We timed the movies as exact as we could to be completed and ready to return and get new ones at the next stop. This in itself was an adventure, navigating unfamiliar cities while trying to locate the big red box. 

Finally, after two days of travel we pulled into the university campus. We were looking more like the Griswalds than we would have liked, but after many hours of traveling in 100+ temperatures and the anxious feelings we were all feeling, we started unpacking and moving her in.

We attended the parent meetings where they thanked us for sending our child to their institution of higher education. They warned us of the pitfalls and raved about their professors. They tried to make us comfortable to leave our child with complete strangers, after all the years we have taught them stranger danger, here we are changing the rules! 

Upon the completion of these meetings the president met us at the door with a mug for each of us and a challenge to pray for our child each time we use the mug. 

Life isn't fair, I give you my daughter and I get two mugs in return!

Leaving the meeting I start feeling very anxious. Did we teach her everything she needs to know, did we really prepare her for this next chapter well enough? What if she gets lost or hurt or lonely....thoughts and fears were flooding my already overtaxed anxious heart. I have way too active imagination of all the terrible things that have ever happened to any and every college student all happening all at once to my child. 

Upon returning and meeting back up with our daughter, I had one last rule for her, don't leave campus.....ever! I was good if I could visualize her just roaming around this campus, with it's well cared for grounds, food at her fingertips, good kids to hang with, school and church all at the same location. 

My husband suggested we walk the college town to get a feel for her new home. I liked that idea but still liked my safe idea of staying on campus....for four years.

Yogurt-land was a new fun place, I could visualize her hanging here with friends. 

Starbucks was the studious place to be....many kids plugged into their earbuds plunking away on their laptops...I could visualize this as well.

Target...my favorite hang out.....need I say more, she would need to go there.

I'm softening to the idea of letting her venture beyond the campus boundary I had just set.

Disneyland! Oh my, could I ever keep her from our family's favorite vacation spot?!?! Never! 

I then realized this is exactly what we have been preparing her for all along. This is exactly where she should be. This is right where God has planned for her to begin this next journey. In that moment I felt a great deal of assurance from answered prayers.

As we prepared to say our goodbyes to her, we handed her a gift card to Yogurt-land and Starbucks with the promise of a Disneyland annual pass soon to follow. She rushed off to hang with her new friends that she had known all of 24 hours. 
Excitedly soaring far ahead of us she yelled over her shoulder, see you at Christmas! 

Gulp! 

I still have the mugs and pray over her way more often than I drink out of them. No one needs to say life goes way too fast, everyone knows it. 

This anxious mama has learned to rely on God more than I ever realized I would have....especially when we got phone calls like.....So my friends and I are going hot air ballooning over L.A. this weekend, we are so excited!.....or, Life is going good, school is great, met a cute boy, can you send my passport, church is fabulous! WAIT, did you catch that? Can you send my passport? Just casually put in the middle of a very benign sentence......or, I can't talk right now, we're in Hollywood and we're bit lost! 

Philippians 4:13
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"
especially letting her go.....

Lunch box longings

I'm always a bit saddened by school supplies coming out in the middle of summer. I'm still planning summertime activities, not thinking the first bit about fall yet.

Shopping the other day, I sampled some yummy snacks, stocked up on some needed food items and was having an internal debate with myself if I should splurge on new kitchen towels or stick to my short list. Costco has a way of pulling me in with their low prices and fun new items. I, on the other hand have a hard time making it to the front check out lanes with only the items from my list in my cart.

In a quick moment my attention was swept away watching two young girls, about 7 years old prance and squeal in excitement over lunch boxes.

Which one do you like mama? The purple or blue? And some even have a pocket for a cell phone!!!
Oh the excitement! Not realizing that by having lunch boxes out means school is just around the corner but who am I to spoil their fun!

Feeling a pang of grief that somehow I no longer have any children in school to get excited about lunch boxes anymore. My grief however was quickly replaced by the freedom that I felt, remembering I no longer have any children in school to have to purchase lunch boxes for anymore!

What a fun glimpse I was given to remember back to our elementary school purchases.Those were such fun days! 

I no longer have to purchase lunch boxes, backpacks, binders, paper and special pens, I think I can allow for a couple of frivolous, not really needed kitchen towels! 

Diary of a wimpy mom

I learned out something about myself.

I'm a wimp.
Seeing it in print it isn't so bad right?

Who am I kidding, yes it is!

Being at this new stage of life, an empty nester, I have realized that my kids have provided an excellent shield or excuse for me, if you will.

While they were younger and in my constant care I instructed them that if they were ever in a situation they shouldn't be in or they just needed to kindly remove themselves and save face at the same time to just blame their over protective, stealth bomber, ( I graduated from "helicopter mom" long ago) mom.
" Oh, my mom would find out for sure, she is a detective in her spare time so sadly I must decline your offer."
Not sure if they ever used this tactic but I provided the language in an effort to support them.

However, not realizing I was also feeding a fear monster in me at the same time, it now wakes me in the night. Teasing and taunting me that my equally good excuse for not wanting to get into a situation I can't control is famished with hunger. Here starts a pang of anxiety.

My children have, blissfully unaware, provided a great opportunity allowing me to avoid something I felt unequipped to do. Something I feared or needed an "out" for. "Thank you for offering me the PTA president position but right now I must decline, my kids, they really need ALL my time." "I'd be honored to speak at your ladies function but really, this is not the right season for me." "Of course I'd fly to some exotic location with you to linger poolside but there are these kids, homework, sports..." On and on and on.

Gulp, did I really just type that?

Yep, I did.

Not to misrepresent myself however, I do love to go and do and be in exciting and fun places.

Just on my terms. In my control. In my timing.

When asked to step too far out of my comfort zone, I get this wave of  excitement and appear to myself and those around me to feel at peace that I too can venture where no mom, or this mom anyway, has ever gone.

More anxiety pangs.

Only to realize that when that moment draws close, wellllll, I turn back into a wimp. Willingly retreating back to my safe zone. Where I don't feel vulnerable and exposed. Feeding that fear monster with every indulgent ounce of courage I once possessed.

Back then, my excuses really were not as much excuses as they were just parenting. I was where I felt I needed to be and back then, it was. Now however, my shield is gone.

Over the years I have turned down many travel opportunities with my husband to far off places he travels for business. Needing to stay home for the kids or the pets or the house or...I'm running out of things that need me to stay home for now.

I'm learning to release the death grip I have had on fear. Saying yes to more opportunities and trust that my creator will provide the shield of protection as only he can. Allowing me to tremble with excitement instead of fear, freeing me from my silly attempts of control and finding the freedom in that.

Fear.

Control. 

Expectations. 

I know for certain I am not alone in this battle.
I'm finding myself starting to come to grips with this new season and trying to learn to release my control, create realistic expectations and fear not. 

That's biblical. 

Fear not. It's repeated several hundred times. 

Sounds to me like this wimpy mom must better get busy packing.
So what was that price for extra baggage? 

Clothing optional?

Hitting triple digit record heat in June in our rather cool PNW environment seems to give creative license to otherwise well minded people. Creative license to function in the least amount of clothing they can get away with and sometimes, well, no clothing at all!
From parks and beaches, boating and snow skiing (yes, you read that right, we have snow on our mountain in this heat) to the mall and the movie theater I'm wondering when it became appropriate attire to shop, snow ski and attend a movie in the equivalent to bra and panties?

Am I just getting old or what?!
Don't answer that.

Residing in the state of the infamous "naked bike ride" I should not be surprised but why??? 
Why would anyone want to disrobe, no matter how hot they are, or think they are, to jump on a little tiny bike seat and let it all hang out?

Having this discussion with my family a couple years ago while being stopped in traffic for 15 minuets by the unfortunate policeman, who clearly drew the short straw for that shift, we had to watch, through parted fingers, the 13 thousand bicyclists.

Who were naked.

Again, why???

My daughter listed a few reasons why this would not (phew!) be something she would ever partake in.

1. Eeeewww
2. Nakedness and a bike seat. Have you seen the size of those seats?
3. Eeeewww
4. What if there was a crash....naked people, bikes with pokey things all over, naked people piling up on the pavement, you get the picture.
5. Eeeewww
6. The media is there, documenting the entire thing forever!
7. Eeeewww

What is the obsession with being naked in public? I just don't get it! Perhaps some people do it as a dare or see it as a badge of honor or find it liberating. Whatever it is though, I will never understand.

I'm still a bit surprised to see someone in public in their pajamas!

Not having any photos that would appropriately go along with this post, I opted for this sweet little bike.
 

The best worst day ever

Having the opportunity to walk alongside hurting people is an honor few get to experience. 

Those who have just had their chest involuntarily torn open, exposing sacared ground. 

Opening up their deep wounds that are so fresh they have moisture still on them. 

Hoping that someone, anyone can erase this intense pain they are coming to grips with.

While befriending pain, we get awarded the awesome responsibility to be trusted to share the agony and realization that life is fragile. 

Metaphorically removing our shoes, we surrender at the throne of God to beg him to make this pain count when we really just want to say, make it better. Realizing that God's answer may not resemble our vision. 

When we are plunged into a tragedy, we become hyper focused on survival. When the waters calm down, the horror of what we just survived sinks in. Requiring a radical dependence on God developing a faith that facilitates trust. 

Wrapped up in the blanket of support for someone on their worst day ever, to make it their best,worst day while providing a layer of compassion for hurting people. 

To soak up like a sponge, their unhappily ever after, only to wring out the tears on their tender, sacred ground. 

Lord, give us the vision to live the legacy that we want left, to set our families up for success with resources to call upon when life hurts. 

Saturate today with memories for tomorrow while you carry us through this journey.

Dress rehearsal for life

Recently hosting our daughter's wedding we of course had a rehearsal the night before the big day. Changed last minute details and removed a few elements that once were so important to the couple.

We practiced walking.

You'd think we could walk without practice right, me too! 50 years of walking and we still need practice!

Apparently we needed the practice though since we walked the aisle several times. Lucky we walked the aisle and not the plank!

We placed the attendants here and then there and then stood back and admired them all.

Then we walked again.

Grandparents, parents, attendants, then the bride and her daddy.
Ok, cue the tears...

Moving right along.

When the big day came we had adjusted, eliminated, fussed, changed and tweaked, not to be confused with twerked all the elements of the day. We added details all along the way so when the time came we walked, we were pros at walking now, and celebrated all the love the two love birds shared.

Life is kinda like a dress rehearsal. 
Big plans are made to get a degree, marry or purchase a home. Those big plans then boil down to the details. We prepare, eliminate, add to or fuss with the specifics. Tweaking or twerking, your choice here and adjust our dreams to our reality. 

My point is this. 

When you want to build your dream home, you don't start with the paint, you start with a blueprint. This took me forever to learn. I always want to start with the end result without taking into consideration the prep. Primer is your friend. Remember this always. Be it, makeup, nail polish or wall paint. Primer. 

Ask anyone 20 years older than you right now if they are where they planned to be 20 years ago. Most people would agree with me that life has a funny way of starting us on a journey going in one direction only to detour with many twists and turns and adjustments requiring an ever changing  perspective on our part.  

We all have the ability to update the blueprint and meet with the original architect, add a new direction or change locations all together. 

Plan it. 
Rehearse it. 
Change it. 
Walk the aisle.

"Don't wait to celebrate the life you have been given, even if it looks different from the one you thought you would have." 
Jay Wolf

You are the writer of your story, but God is the author.  

Girly bugs

Aphids; nasty little creatures that devour full trees in nothing flat. 

Lady bugs; sweet darling little ladies that eat the awful aphids and reproduce faster than what should be humanly possible.

Oh wait, they're not human. 

Good thing. They are amazing how quickly they can get a large aphid problem under control though. 

Perhaps we should employ them for a greater purpose. 

Somehow we need to get them attracted to mosquitoes and flies and slugs but then, they might neglect the aphids. 

No, let's let them keep well fed. 

I need to keep my trees healthy and aphid free. 

Ok, that is enough talk. Look how sweet they are. I'm considering keeping some as pets. 

Keep up the munching little ladies!

The Mother Lode

With mother's day quickly approaching I'm being drawn back to remember all the mother's I know and how they have impacted my life. 
I know many mothers that have found great joy and deep sorrow in the title of motherhood. 

I am thinking of a neighbor I once had that expressed profound sadness every year on mother's day. She had a lovely mother and celebrated her with great pride but the sting of not being a mother herself cut very deep. 
However, she was a mother of sorts. 
Many years ago she gave birth to a son, gave him up for adoption and moved on with life. 

Alone.

No one knew of him, not even her own mother. 
Until he contacted her, reaching for a relationship to know his mother. There must be a deep pull for every person to connect with the women who offered a space in her very own body as your first dwelling place. 

I'm reminded of my aunts. 
They each had qualities that made them so special. 
My Aunt Jo, I loved spending time with her. She was so inclusive, inviting me as a young girl to feel welcome to be with the ladies. At family functions in the 70's I would sit quietly in her mid-century modern home, listening to the ladies talk about life, kids, husbands and so on. I loved to admire their trendy hair styles and dramatic clothes. Classy and eclectic all working together to pull off an amazing look.
None of them worked outside the home if I remember correctly so work was not in the discussion. 
How time's have changed!
Before we left her home she always sent me off with a treasure, a Puka shell necklace from Hawaii or Love's Baby Soft or one of her cast off accessories that I would wear with great pride. 

The mother of my best friend Becky, from elementary school, has a mother I remember being amazed at. Her mother had a tribe of children. 
Literally, like 11. 
I loved spending time with her humongous family. 
Constant playmates at her disposal. Her mama was a saint I am sure. She would gather all these kiddos for snack and mealtime with such ease. She had a constant joy that seemed to radiate from her. I remember thinking I would have a tribe of my own like that one day. Being the youngest, I longed for built in friends close to my age. 

So much for me having a tribe. 
Her tribe of 11, my tribe of 3. 
Perfect for each mama.

My own mama. 
Perfection. 
Loving, tender, strong and wise. 
If only I could squeeze her this Mother's Day. 

This brings me to my own mothering. The best gift I have ever received was the gift of motherhood. My sweet babies that grew up too fast, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to hone my mothering skills, make mistakes, celebrate joys and learn how to perfect this task, only to finally feel like I got this mothering thing down, just to have you grow up, move away and live your life. Just as you should. 

Motherhood; rewarding and challenging at the same time. 

Much like gardening. You work the soil, plant the flowers, water, feed and prune only to find that a pesky little weed decided to plant roots in your well manicured bed.   
 
I would lie if I said I loved every moment of motherhood, even the difficult ones. 
I did not.

But now, looking in the rear view mirror of life, I can see that where I was challenged I was experiencing pruning of my own. Where I was impatient, I was growing in my ability to wait. Where I was losing control, I learned to trust in a power greater than my own. All the skills needed for each chapter of life. 

I've shared many laughs and tears with special women that have left sweet impressions of motherhood upon me.  

 
Celebrate them! 

You, your own or a mom away from mom! 
Without those mother's, none of us would be here, literally, you owe your life to her. 

Literally.